Maybe I am Poor, Thanks For Noticing.

I think it was the car.IMG_1987

I drive not only an ugly, but a busted, car. We have two cars, one that looks almost passable but doesn’t run well, the other looks broken but runs reliably. I suppose we could spend a little money to fix the ugly car up, like paint the hood so that it matches the rest of the car, repair the dented bumper, and replace the missing headlight. But those repairs would cost more than the value of the whole vehicle and besides, it runs just fine. The other car looks almost normal but has a knock in the engine and leaks coolant. It will die soon but until it does, we will drive it.

These cars are a choice. Now some of that choice is dictated by money, if we had more we might just buy new cars, but we don’t have more money and consequentially we drive what we have. We could get a loan and buy a new car, my credit is good. But I don’t want a shiny new car enough to have a shiny new car payment.  So I choose to drive that ugly thing.IMG_6564

It must have been the car. It couldn’t be our apartment.

Most of my money goes toward rent. I pay too much in rent. We chose to live where we do, despite it being overpriced, because we wanted our kids to go to a specific school. We wanted this school because it was the best school within close proximity to my job. It was the cheapest place to live that was still on the right side of the street. It is cheap compared to the neighborhood yet remains ridiculously expensive.

Maybe it’s the clothes my kids wear.

I think they look fine. Sometimes the outfits they choose aren’t in line with my taste, but for the most part I let them choose, and they don’t choose crazy things. We don’t spend a lot on their clothes. They grow so fast and don’t have real strong opinions about brands, so I will admit; most of what they have is second hand. Macklemore said this is cool. I don’t really trust him but I hear others do.woody

It had to be something.

It had to be something because today the Church of Christ called my wife. They said they got our number from our children’s elementary school and that we had been referred to them as a family who might need a free turkey for Thanksgiving. My wife was a little surprised and politely declined. The person followed up by explaining that they were prepared to help us buy Christmas presents for our kids. Again my wife politely declined. Having turned down the caller’s generosity, they ended the call.

Should we be flattered that someone thought to do something nice for us? It didn’t feel flattering. Maybe it didn’t feel flattering because it was obvious that whoever referred us didn’t really know us, they simply judged us. I could be wrong. I want to be wrong. This feels wrong.

It feels wrong because I am not really poor. I know what poor is and while I surely don’t have what I would like, I know full well I have more than I need. It feels wrong because someone tried to do something nice and I don’t feel nice about it. It feels wrong because we invite people into our home to eat almost once a week and someone thought that we couldn’t afford enough food to feed our kids. Why would they think that? Because of our car? Because of our clothes? Are those things that important?IMG_3346

I don’t know who thinks we have fallen on hard times and maybe that’s what bothers me. It bothers me because I don’t think they know me either. Do they want to know me?

We all make assumptions about all sorts of things. It is natural and it is easy. We assume things for just those reasons; because it is easier than investigating and learning. It is easier and faster than asking questions. It is easier than caring. This does not feel like caring. This does not feel like help. It actually hurt.

It hurt because someone just looked at me, at us, and decided we couldn’t handle things. Someone looked at us and just decided we needed their help, and the help they were willing to give was a turkey. Just last week my wife and I discussed with each other our plans to hedge against our children’s holiday materialism and then the help someone thought we needed was another toy to go in our children’s already full toy bin? No.IMG_3163

Make no mistake this is not my pride speaking; I am not above help. I would love some help. I would love a promotion at work, I would love for one of my paintings to sell, I would even love a new headlight. I would love a Jeep Wrangler, I would love to see Istanbul, I would love for my daughter to have her ballet lessons scholarshipped. Give me any one of those things and I will grovel at your feet. I will sing your praises and write a post in your honor.

But no. Now when I pull up by the curb and idle my bucket in that long line of cars and kids I know you aren’t thinking, “Oh there’s Dalyn and the kids.” You are thinking, “look at those poor people.”

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6 Comments

Filed under people

6 responses to “Maybe I am Poor, Thanks For Noticing.

  1. Kay

    Eloquent. Thanks for the perspective!

  2. Buffy

    You saw what I drove (69 VW bus) for years, followed by a minivan that was “cool” for maybe 2 years, I drove that for 25 years. I know people thought we were poor b/c we never sized-up in living space and we sure didn’t live extravagantly. All bonuses were eaten up before they hit the bank, We had a big family, one TV (no color until 1984!) and a lot of love. I stayed home and raised my own kids and a bunch of stragglers, too. Glad I lived in UT and not CA where we surely would have qualified for that free turkey. I have no idea what people thought of me. Didn’t really care then, don’t care now. Dalyn, you are amazing, as is your family, I just want to be rich enough to afford one of your paintings 🙂

  3. Mom

    Kid…I am so proud of you. Your writing often makes me cry. Now, go and do something for someone who really needs it. I love you.

  4. Dorinda

    A very interesting read. I know I would have felt the same way you did, yet, I have often tried to evaluate someone’s “condition” by their car, their clothes, etc. And most of the time I have been right – they were coming to our church and synagogue hungry and out of work, etc. They were the first to take the baskets of leftover food, and my husband often slipped them money after they had poured out their hearts to him. I’m glad that they were wrong in your case, and sorry because it really hurt your feelings, when they surely didn’t mean to do so. Just a thought. The hood of my car could use a paint job, too. Thanks for reminding me.

  5. Uglyblackjohn

    Oh, pa-lease… I’m supposed to to be happy with my material goods yet I envy your family. The joy on the faces of your children cracks me up whenever you post photos. Man… I just signed a check to sponsor a kid’s dance classes (her mom came to the club to ask for help). I do at least three benefits a month at the club. Maybe people were just wanting to help someone and they felt as though you were someone they wanted to see succeed. I don’t think they meant it in a bad way – I think that they thought that they were tired of helping others who wouldn’t benefit from their help. Maybe they wanted to give you something but they didn’t know what or how?

    • UBJ, Possible. I hope so, but if you don’t know what help someone needs, it is better to ask than to guess. Like I said, I’m not above accepting help if that is in fact what it is… This one smelled kinda fishy.

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